"sleepless in seattle"

harry connick jr.: we go together... like a wink and a smile.
mom: a wig?

on avatars

during an evening of watching "the west wing"

mom: martin sheen looks like an owl.
me: and leo looks like a lion.

(ten minutes later, while watching an intense scene)

mom, deeply disappointed: this man* doesn't resemble any animal.

*richard schiff

on over-indulgence

mom: they say that they always gave their daughter whatever she wanted. isn't that what good parents do?

me: well... quite the opposite, no?

mom: ok, then don't ever ask me for anything. you know what my answer will be!

me: wait, when was the last time i asked you for something?

mom: for example... today you rang the doorbell! and did i let you in or didn't i?

on love and... not so much

mom mentions chinese new year.
dad: has it passed? or is it coming up?
me: it's this weekend. this year, valentine's day is dumpling day!
mom: no, it's *dumping* day.


photo from cooking with krista.

on fruit

this is lime!.... i mean, lame.

on progress

when someone first decided to swear at his enemy rather than throw a rock at him, civilization was born.

on diffusion

mom: oof... my eyes hurt from all this marking!
me: aw! would you like some chamomile tea?
mom: no, thanks. i've been drinking chamomile all day.
me: no, i mean for your eyes...
mom: i'm sure the tea has reached my eyes.

on blood and water

mom: people keep telling my sister that she looks jewish.
me: what?!
mom: yeah. she knows a woman who keeps saying that she looks like the wife of some rabbi she knew in israel. she says my sister looks jewish!
dad: maybe she is.
mom: *my* sister?!

[the following day, watching janice stein on tv]

mom: oh, she's jewish! she's one of us!
me: no, she's one of *us* - you're not jewish.
dad: but your sister is!
mom: i'm jewish enough. if they round up all the jews, i'll go with you!

on closure

for a change of pace, this time i want to share some advice i gave my mother. brace yourself: this may be the smartest thing i've ever said.
when i was six, i left the resort where my family was staying and hiked up a wooded hill all by myself. my parents had gone into town and my sister was crying because she missed them. so off i went to solve the problem: the plan was to hike to the nearest resort, then to the next, and finally find my way to town, where - i imagined - it would be easy to find mom and dad.

in the meantime, my parents came home, realized i was gone, and freaked out. eventually, they discovered where i was and my dad came to get me. i didn't know what i had done wrong, but i felt horrible. somehow the plan was inherently flawed. then dad explained the problem: i had made three mistakes. i had left corina alone, i had hiked by myself, and i hadn't told anyone where i was going. (the last one was technically untrue, but we'll move on.) then he told me that my mom was back at home, and very upset.

i had never seen my mom cry before, and that was pretty scary for me. somehow, though, i was able to offer her a little wisdom: "mom, lie down and try to forget it ever happened."

on the irony of senility

mom: today i couldn't remember the word "alzheimer's."

on the necessity of mental respite

me: gleegleegleegleegleegleeglee

dad, bewildered: seriously, how can you watch this show?*

mom, magnanimous: oh, leave her be. she needs this. she spends all day writing about wars... and churches.

* this from a man who very much looked forward to watching 2012, enjoyed all the action/destructo sequences, but audibly (read: sarcastically) sniffed whenever there was a tender (read: uber-cheesy) scene.

on very rough drafts

mom: you wouldn't believe his paragraph even if you read it. it was a cabbage! i gave them plenty of time to work in the library. i said, "if you want to show me your work and get some feedback before your final submission, you can." and still - a boot!

me: wait, is it a boot or a cabbage?

mom: he is a boot; his paragraph is a cabbage.

on specialization

me: you're truly terrible at this.

mom: i know. and i love to hear someone say, 'you have no talent in this area at all!'

(after she has recommended some good answers...)

mom: am i still bad at this?
me: oh, yes.
mom: good.

on love

me: i love you.

mom: when you say that, i know what you really mean is, 'mom, you're a little nuts, but i tolerate you.'

on sleuthing

mom: why doesn't he just go have lunch, stare at his cane, and find the answer?

on using the force

me: i can never do up the closure on a necklace on the first try.

mom: if you close your eyes, it's easier. it's like "star wars."

on punctuation

mom: wake up and smell the colons!

students: [blank stares]

mom: that didn't come out right.

on labels

mom: i have dress for you from... what's the name of that racist?

me: tommy hilfiger?

mom: yes, that's it!

p.s. we have since learned that the whole tommy hilfiger racism thing was a hoax. all the same...

on laundry

me: i think it's "dry clean only."

mom: let me check... it's made in china; it must be ok in the washing machine.

on men

mom: the first two men were the wrong three men.