on progress

when someone first decided to swear at his enemy rather than throw a rock at him, civilization was born.

on diffusion

mom: oof... my eyes hurt from all this marking!
me: aw! would you like some chamomile tea?
mom: no, thanks. i've been drinking chamomile all day.
me: no, i mean for your eyes...
mom: i'm sure the tea has reached my eyes.

on blood and water

mom: people keep telling my sister that she looks jewish.
me: what?!
mom: yeah. she knows a woman who keeps saying that she looks like the wife of some rabbi she knew in israel. she says my sister looks jewish!
dad: maybe she is.
mom: *my* sister?!

[the following day, watching janice stein on tv]

mom: oh, she's jewish! she's one of us!
me: no, she's one of *us* - you're not jewish.
dad: but your sister is!
mom: i'm jewish enough. if they round up all the jews, i'll go with you!